Have you ever had one of those scenarios where you imagine the perfect birthday? Visualize the details and imagine moment to moment what would happen to you when you were the star of the show. Birthdays gave you this excuse where you could be the center of attention and gave you permission to do whatever you want because it was this day that made you special. It is similar to like walking down the aisle for a wedding and being the bride, being noticed with the way you feel and perceive this huge amount of confidence.

I always imagined it as a day where I could have an enormous dinner with a great hall table from Harry Potter. I would be at the end, wearing a ridiculous hat, and say all the right things that makes everyone who was invited laugh. But I imagine little things that would happen where I would have an hour in class where somebody would barge in, scream surprise, and give me a huge persistent amount of helium-filled balloons to me. I would be the one embarrassed and run to get those balloons because it was one moment I always wanted. A ton of people used to get that during elementary and high school. I always remembered them getting them during a bad moment in class. I was always annoyed by their disruption but now that I think about it I was jealous. I was jealous because inside me I thought, why didn't anyone do that for me? Why didn't I get that too? Doesn't anyone love me enough to take the time to go to a store and give me balloons like them?

That is the one flaw I always have. I always compare myself to another person. What I should care about is the fact that everyone is different. What I choose to do and how I react to it is what I can do. I can't force people to do something even if I want it with all my heart. I can never push something and make it happen. I wish I could sometimes.

But I always wanted that for my birthday. Have someone come to me out of nowhere and shower me with balloons to show they cared for me. That is the perfect surprise for a birthday. The reason why I am talking about this is the fact that I recall last year's birthday a total wreck. It was a disaster because I was all alone in a dorm and had nobody there when I opened gifts for myself. I about cried because all of my friends went on a trip and I was alone. I hope to improve this by having people around and hope they care enough.

The Perfect Birthday would have people remembering. If they could do that, I would such a happy camper. I really just want that. I could think of other things but I want people to care though I act like I don't care at all.

Dear Internet,
I have been unbelievably busy. I have moved out of the dormitories from the University and now live in a small apartment where I still do not have my own mattress to call my own. But on top of moving out, moving things from place to place, I had to go to band camp for marching band. I am part of this huge organization that makes me dedicate a large chunk of time where I am in the sun, soaking rays for at least six hours a day, burning a lot in the process. I also had so much fun. I have to remember that taking the time to be outside for a large amount of time with people who enjoy the same thing as me. That is incredibly important because it may never happen again. I have to integrate these experiences with me as long as I can.

Because I have no internet right now, I have not had the time to record everything that has happened to me. First, I went to move fifteen minutes away from my school and I commute to classes everyday. I also have to use a lot of resources at school. I am insanely busy because of marching band and keeping up with everybody in my life. It's funny, now that I think of it, I actually have a life now. All of the goals I have been dedicating my time seem so insignificant because I have control of it and now I want it to keep moving forward.

Anyways, I have no internet so I am having a hard time to update this blog. It will be more difficult to update with school but I am thinking ahead that because I am taking on school and a job. I just have to keep believing I still have the power to keep it together. I have to.

But I will have internet soon so I will not have to go to a Barnes & Nobles every time I need internet to see what is happening on the outside world. I do believe things will get easier once I have access in my apartment with my awesome roommate.

I just want to reflect that things have changed so much after moving and this summer has improved everything around me. My college experience has grown exponentially. I have become better at talking to new people because I am absurdly shy around everyone. I am proud to say I am as I am. I cannot believe things have just been spinning around me, going faster and faster as I try to scourge a few hours of sleep to look forward to the next day.

I am very happy. I need to be able to see that I am getting to the one small goal I whisper to myself.

I am happy.