A Houdini Complex

Have you ever had one of those scenarios where you imagine the perfect birthday? Visualize the details and imagine moment to moment what would happen to you when you were the star of the show. Birthdays gave you this excuse where you could be the center of attention and gave you permission to do whatever you want because it was this day that made you special. It is similar to like walking down the aisle for a wedding and being the bride, being noticed with the way you feel and perceive this huge amount of confidence.

I always imagined it as a day where I could have an enormous dinner with a great hall table from Harry Potter. I would be at the end, wearing a ridiculous hat, and say all the right things that makes everyone who was invited laugh. But I imagine little things that would happen where I would have an hour in class where somebody would barge in, scream surprise, and give me a huge persistent amount of helium-filled balloons to me. I would be the one embarrassed and run to get those balloons because it was one moment I always wanted. A ton of people used to get that during elementary and high school. I always remembered them getting them during a bad moment in class. I was always annoyed by their disruption but now that I think about it I was jealous. I was jealous because inside me I thought, why didn't anyone do that for me? Why didn't I get that too? Doesn't anyone love me enough to take the time to go to a store and give me balloons like them?

That is the one flaw I always have. I always compare myself to another person. What I should care about is the fact that everyone is different. What I choose to do and how I react to it is what I can do. I can't force people to do something even if I want it with all my heart. I can never push something and make it happen. I wish I could sometimes.

But I always wanted that for my birthday. Have someone come to me out of nowhere and shower me with balloons to show they cared for me. That is the perfect surprise for a birthday. The reason why I am talking about this is the fact that I recall last year's birthday a total wreck. It was a disaster because I was all alone in a dorm and had nobody there when I opened gifts for myself. I about cried because all of my friends went on a trip and I was alone. I hope to improve this by having people around and hope they care enough.

The Perfect Birthday would have people remembering. If they could do that, I would such a happy camper. I really just want that. I could think of other things but I want people to care though I act like I don't care at all.