A Houdini Complex

I don't know if it is because I am from a different state or I just have different priorities. But sometimes, you realize that everything shifts from underneath your feet and nothing can stop it. No matter how hard you try to keep a firm foundation on the simple facts you do know about your life, they can deteriorate in a second if you close your eyes. When that matters, the feelings that you start to feel start to feel like utter crap. You feel like shit. You try to cover it up. You try to keep them quiet from the years you spent suffering and you try to figure out why people change around you. Do you stay the same? Do you try so hard that it isn't you that changes? Were you the one that changed at all? Was it your fault? That's the thing about how things change in life, you cannot control anything and in order to survive in all its complexity, you have to reconnect and adjust accordingly. But the readjustment period, I have to tell you all now, sucks so fucking bad. You cry, you scream, and you want to fucking rip people apart but for things to work you have to compromise. It may not make you happy or able to function normally but then you have to make things work.

Such a stupid, over used phrase. But that's the truth. You have to try. You have to make an effort or else face the consequences. You have to look past the anger, away from the stupidity of people, and look from a distance in an hour glass, and learn from it. The learning part is the alternative that makes me angry. So infuriating that people, friends, and family make you have to do things you can't control in life.

Right now, I want to scream fuck you at someone. I need to fucking vent but I can;t because I understand her stupid reasons for something I can't speak about. I do know that if I had the power to make everything work that I wouldn't be so afraid. Afraid of losing something special that I thought I had.

Sometimes, I wish I had someone be able to pick me over everyone else. Not like a stupid boyfriend or whatever, just that a signal that they would never leave my side and stick with me until the end. That is what i want.

Too bad it doesn't exist. My lack of faith to humanity has come to its highest peak. How disgusting it has grown over the years.

Will it ever stop?