So, on October 6, 2012, I trekked on a six hour journey to Las Vegas, Nevada to do the Tough Mudder Challenge. I did it with my friend who introduced me to this three months before the challenge. He told me that I should try this challenge because it would pump me up. I did consider this for a couple of days, thinking about the pros and cons of such a task to finish.
If you don't know what the Tough Mudder Challenge is, here is an official video to explain the dire consequences of such a challenge. Here take a watch:
Did you see all of those challenges? The toughest challenge on the planet! And I finished this in five hours with twelve miles of dirt, dust, and mud behind me. When I chose to finish this, I chose for me, entirely me because I wanted to do this for only me. It may seem selfish but I had one thought that haunted me when I said yes. I was only nineteen when I finished this task and I knew I was not going to get any younger if I said no. There was no going back.
After I got home, when I was not as sore as I was. I wrote something to remember this challenge.
The reason why I did Tough Mudder was because I needed to prove myself. I wanted to do a challenge where I had to fight through nail and grit to prove i'm worthy. I wanted to show I wasn't a girl who would sit on the sidelines and wait for someone to save me. That era of damsels in distress was over. It was time for me to show I was ready to defend for myself and die trying. When it came to Tough Mudder, I meant it. I wanted to finish it and reveal that I was one girl who can and will.
Tough Mudder made me realize life is a challenge. It came through many forms and it will try to hurt you the hardest when you try. I trekked through twelve miles of hell, not skipping any obstacle they threw in my way. I ran, leapt, jumped, hiked, and climbed my way past each challenge, getting marked each passing minute. The hardest part was climbing walls that were triple my size. Tough Mudder nicknamed them as the Berlin Walls and Mount Everest. I had some heavy damage from these enormous walls of doom. I had bruises on my right upper thigh the size of a large man's fist, covered in blue and pasty plum purple. I had a matching bruise in the back of my left arm. Every time I raise my arm, I see a gorgeous array of color trying to reach out into my whole arm like a virus. I like showing people my minor cuts and bruises because I know that some people would of had it worse. People come out with broken limbs in this challenge, sometimes even with decapitated heads. (Just kidding about the last one.)
But having these minor injuries was mind blowing. The way I mean this is that it made me acknowledge the fact I was alive. I can survive the hard things. I can make the hard choices and be even more strong than I could ever hope. All of those negative feelings that occur around every aspect of life when you need the bare essentials. You learn from your mistakes. You have to risk yourself at these in the sea of hopelessness and doubt.
The second to last challenge to finish was Mount Everest. This fucking huge wood slanted slope stood before me and finishing this race. It was like a skateboard ramp that was cut in half and was decided to use the higher half for tough mudders to climb and get to the other side. I was exhausted, trying to stay awake, and be enthusiastic about the end. We were so close, so ready to complete it. I hit my lowest point at this challenge. I watched people triumph and fail in front of me several times. I saw girls around my height almost reach to the top until they fell down to the bottom, defeated. Even my friend who is much more fit than I am failed a couple of times until he grabbed someone's hand and told me to hurry up.
So, I gave myself a running start. Before I jumped, I visualized, no joke, I am not making this up, this one challenge as to this one guy who I thought and knew liked me back like I did. I imagined getting over the ledge as me getting into this relationship to him and making it because in Utah there is Mormonism. A religion that wants young men and women, now recently changed, from ages eighteen and nineteen, to go on missions to serve a higher purpose to God. Nothing wrong with that, with going on missions. The boys go on a mission to a certain location determined by the Church and stay at the location, whether it be in the United States or in a different country across the world, for two years while the girls do the exact same thing except for a year and a half.
What makes me angry is that I have to wait two years for him. In the back of my mind, my head screamed to understand why God would do that to me and force me to wait for two years for something. Was I being punished? Should I even try? Would it make a difference if I did make it happen? I was thinking all of this in a whirlpool of anxiety, tripping over how life is unfair and completely useless.
When I made that leap, though, I did make it over and convince myself to reach it on my first try. The first and last attempt of this stupid challenge. I nearly collapsed from the shock that I reached the ledge and grabbed it. When I did, I almost wanted to kiss my tough mudder partner but I also knew that I had to try with him.
I learned to push myself. You have to experience pain to get the result you want. I stared at death and he stared back. I knew that I wanted to face the lowest part of my life. You are the one who has to decide what you want. This includes your happiness, your loves, your hates, who you want to be. This made me conclude that I am the only one who wants something so I have to make it happen.
This trip was an experience I never want to forget. I met a lot of people, who I don't even know names. I met a Gulf War Veteran who lives in the country, helping her town, Parhump. She gave me a coat and a chair as we waited in the desert in the dark. She kept my friend and me awake as we waited to get picked up. She told us stories about the Nevada desert, listen to the wolves at night, and hear how she was part of the military. I also helped several others in challenges of Tough Mudder. I met a friend's family who told me that relationships around the Mormon religion was an obstacle and it is the work leading to it that make it so worth it.
Though, I have all those scars from Tough Mudder, they will fade. They have time to heal. They will be gone. But the feelings, the details, those vivid memories will be the only way to remember the hardest challenge for both body and mind. They help you to know these moments last forever. they will remind you to keep fighting because nobody else will.
