A Football Party

On Saturday, I decided to go over to my friend's house because we wanted to watch our band friends play in a different State's Stadium. We played against Arizona State University and couldn't even watch the game. Her family does not have the PAC-12 network so we listened to it on the radio,bored because we listened to it on the radio. On the plus side, my friend made some delicious Utah cupcakes and allowed us to devour them. I was so hungry at the party that I ate three of these beauties before any other guests arrived to the football party.

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"We have to go back."

Kidding.

I have discovered an old writing assignment that I wrote a year ago. It made me think about what I forced to learn about against my will. I feel it is appropriate to share because it was a short play. It is about a shooting and I made a literal play that makes me proud to know to write this down. It is called Ernest and here it is. Try a read.

Ernest by Natalie


The stage is an epitome of darkness. It is silent, the curtains are drawn closed. Only a blank screen of a projector is present, contrasting as a bright presence with its apparent ivory hue. A projector is stationed across the stage when it clicks on, flickering to life. The screen opens to a small montage of a News coverage which begins with a reporter narrating the top story.

Reporter: We are K-5 News, bringing live to you footage of Arabesque High School. It just came in that a shooting is occurring! We are overlooking the School’s Auditorium right now where hundreds of students are evacuating the premises! The shooter is identified as eighteen year-old Senior Ernest Taylor and he began his rampage several hours ago! At exactly ten a.m. this morning, he began to shoot aimlessly! He has shot countless students and faculty across campus! Right now, authorities are trying to capture Taylor alive before he finishes what he started. Right now he is stationed on the rooftop of the Science Building, a five story building, where he is threatening to jump.

     The footage cuts to a shot of Ernest Taylor who looks back behind him, pulls the trigger off of his shotgun, and shoots back behind him until it is empty. Cartridges fall as bullets are fired. When he notices that he is out of ammunition, Taylor laughs hysterically and leaps off the building.
     The montage ends with watching the students of Arabesque High School cry and sigh in relief when their massacre ends. It finishes with a shot of a collection of bodies are pushed into an ambulance. It leaves to the hospital quickly.

Reporter: It has been confirmed that there were twelve victims of this tragedy. Eight students, three teachers, and a parent perished. Dozens have been injured, seven are in critical condition. More later. This is Susan Shepherds of K-5 News, back to you Vanessa.

     The screen cuts to black. The screen disappears and is replaced with the stage, now open to the audience. Only a single spotlight appears and shows a tall, thin girl who stands promptly in the center of it. Part White, Part Asian, and haunted, she wears a bloody yellow sweater and a knitted hat that tucked away her short black hair. She is barefoot. She is sullen, very morose from crying. Her arms are folded together. It is not clear at first to see her one gun shot wound in her back.

Unknown girl: Sometimes, bad decisions make good stories. [pause] Other times, they are even worst causes. This … [pause] is a testimony of a boy who was lost. He was good, kind, and confident until the day of a shooting. Everything unraveled from there. Nothing good came after. But there is always a catalyst. If we could find it soon enough, then maybe these bad things wouldn’t happen. [She looks away to the back. A gun shot is heard, a cry is cut off] Perhaps.

     The girl begins to exit, exposing her gunshot wound to the audience, going straight to the back of the stage, to turn to the left, revealing her ambiguous identity. Then the stage is dark. The curtains close again.
     The stage opens again. This time it reveals an investigation room with muddy brown walls and a single headlight in stage left. A table and two chairs are on the center of the stage. A woman sits in the chair on the stage right, bored.
     Head Investigator Vesna Naomi Gates held an unusually ruddy-brown complexion. She was a woman in her mid-thirties, petite but sturdy. She was sitting in a chair, tilted with her feet propped on a table in front of her. She wears a starch powder blue button up which was tucked in her dark black pants, belted altogether. The only recognition of her being in the Police Force was a single golden badge around her neck. Her hair was clasped together in a clean-cut ponytail. Her hands were attached to a summary report of who she was interviewing that day. She was focused with a clipboard in her hands, checking the various notes in her disposal. She occupies herself by peering at the notes from afar until there’s a knock at the door.
     She straightens herself up, both feet firmly on the ground as she pushed her stray hairs behind her ear. She also straightened her papers together into a neat pile, prepared for her first victim.

Vesna: Come in.

     The door opens ajar, then Liam enters the stage left. Liam is white, male, and strong. He wears a striped polo shirt and wrinkled jeans. His brown hair is disheveled, floppy and misguided.

Vesna: You are Liam Krause. Correct?

     Liam sits in the chair hesitantly. He is pale with blood shot eyes and pasty lips. He stares at his hands when he sits in front of Vesna.

Liam: Yeh, sorry I’m late. Things have gotten crazy since …

Vesna: Of course. [nodding in agreement] And this interview will go as quickly as possible. I’m Vesna Gates and I’m here to learn as much as I can about what happened to your best friend, Ernest Taylor. I am here to just ask a few questions here and there and we’ll be done. Okay? Nothing too difficult.

Liam: [mumbles in response with inarticulate words]

     Vesna unveils a tape recorder from her pocket, clicks a cassette tape in its mouth, and popped the play button. A wireless microphone was brought close to Liam’s direction as Vesna clicked a pen open and a fresh new page of a memo pad. Then when she was finished, she stared at Liam confidently, having done interviews thousands of times before.

Vesna: State your name and your relation with Ernest Taylor. It’s okay, you don’t have to be scared. This is just meant for the official report. It is standard stuff.

     Liam stares indignantly at the tape recorder and silently tried to decide whether to trust it.

Vesna: I promise it doesn’t bite. It tells the truth. It can’t manipulate it. Try not to look at it.

Liam: [coughs rudely]

     Vesna turns the tape recorder away from him. Liam sighs in relief. His posture becomes better and he has eye contact with Vesna.

Liam: [in a rush] I’m Liam Krause and Ernest Taylor was my friend.

Vesna: Where were you when Taylor murdered twelve people?

Liam: I was in the Library, studying music in a recording room. It is soundproof, so I couldn’t hear anything when Ernest attacked.

Vesna: Interesting. I heard you guys were good friends. Did he seem suspicious the days before the attack happened? Was he well?

Liam: Well, he was okay.

Vesna: Really? Because I would think he had signs of a problem days in advance especially when he killed twelve people three days ago.

Liam: We were good friends but we had a huge fight before all this. We managed to get over it, though.

Vesna: What happened?

Liam: Well, a week ago, I noticed Ernest was feeling kind of low. But I didn’t know why. He just didn’t care anymore.

Vesna: That’s it?

Liam: Yes.

Vesna: [folds arms quickly, cocking her head slightly] You’re lying. You’re lying to me, Liam. Listen, I have to interview dozens of people today and tell them my condolences individually to each and every one of them. If I do not gather the most accurate facts and timelines, I will not be doing my job and not help you. Don’t you want Taylor’s family to know what was wrong with him? Don’t you think they deserve the truth? I’ve done this thousands of times and it does not get any easier with the people closest to the assailant. What usually happens is they brake under the heavy weight of guilt because they usually know what was happening to their friends or family. As an expert, I know you were there when something snapped inside him. One way or another, you will have to tell someone. Please, please tell me what happened to your friend.

Liam: [nervously began chewing on a piece of gum, now in his mouth] I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Vesna: Please tell me anything strange that happened to him.

Liam: First, he’s not my friend anymore. He’s not.

Vesna: What do you mean?

     The spotlight dims between Vesna and Liam. Another light on stage right comes on, Ernest Taylor is standing against a brick wall, smoking pot. He was looking at the sky, his expression was blank. Liam leaves his chair to meet with Ernest. The lighting is faded to a red musk color.

Liam: A week ago, I noticed Ernest ditched class for the fifth time that week. I knew where he hung out when we ditched together. It was behind the cafeteria where we needed some privacy from the school’s crap. We usually planned these things together. But this time was different. Ernest was lost, utterly and completely in his own world when he spoke to me.

Ernest: [flinches] What are you doing here?

Liam: I go here. To school. I thought you did too. Why have you been ditching so often? Mr. Dresher is noticing, keeps asking me why you’re gone, and I have to lie. Dude, it sucks.

Ernest: School doesn’t matter anymore.

Liam: I know. You think I want to be here? But it’s our senior year, you have to hang on for one more year and we’re free. So, come on, let’s go to class.

Ernest: [inhales a huge whiff of smoke and blows an enormous “o” shape in the air] No.

Liam: Come on, coming back isn’t that difficult.

Ernest: Yes it is. Especially when you have to get rid of the world of its dirtiest spoils. Someone has to start the labors and finish it. The only thing that matters is the ending. A simple, clean-cut ending.

Liam: Come on, the bell’s going to ring. Let’s go.

Ernest: No! Are you with me or against me? You should stay with me! Join me, I know you’ll be a wise accomplice for the war! WE have to keep going!

Liam: Look, I have to go.

Ernest: If you leave, you’re not my friend anymore. I never want to see your face ever again!

Liam: Fine, I don’t give a damn about you anymore.

     The light fades on Taylor. Liam exits back to the interviewer room. The spotlight turns on at the investigation table afterwards. Liam returns to his chair when music box melodies twinkle until he reaches for his chair. The music stops when Vesna scribbled avidly to Liam’s words. She wrote fervently as Liam put a hand on his head, disappointed.

Vesna: Did you speak to him after that?

Liam: No. He didn’t even try to contact me again. I tried several times but he ignored me. So I stopped.

Vesna: Did you notice Taylor do anything else?

Liam: Ernest was very social. But when his younger sister was murdered, he got quiet. But after a few months, he sort of went off to his own world. He completely shut me off as well as the rest of the people at school. The last few times I did see him, I witnessed him off on his own, whispering to himself and gathering notes in a notebook. But other than that, he was okay.

Vesna: Thank you, Liam. I think we are finished. You can go now, but please tell the next witness to come in if she’s here.

     Vesna stops the tape recorder and scribbles a few more notes. Liam gets up, turning his back to her.

Liam: [waves] Bye.

Vesna: Bye.

     Liam exits, closing the door behind him. Vesna yawns from exhaustion and pulls out a photo of her son. She gives a genuine smile to the photo, knowing she would get to be reunited to her son after her interviews.
     The door opens and a medium-sized woman comes in stage left. Her ginger-hair was twisted in braids down to her shoulders. She is wearing a grey hoodie, matching sweatpants, and Uggs on her feet. She glided to the chair and sat down, chewing gum. She slouched in her chair, leaning her arms on the table, bored. Vesna flips a new page on her memo pad.

Vesna: Good afternoon, Ms. Martin. You’re … Taylor’s legal guardian, correct? You’re his Aunt? I’m Vesna Gates and I’m here to interview you. I want to know what happened to Taylor.

Ms. Taylor: Yes I am.

Vesna: Yes, now what happened to Taylor’s parents, if I may ask?

Ms. Taylor: Everyone wants to know. It’s natural to be curious. Anyways, Ernest’s parents are divorced. His father went off to Canada while his mother came here. But she died about five years ago so he and his sister came to live with me.

Vesna: I also heard that his sister died recently. What happened to her?

Ms. Taylor: My little Petra? She drowned by the river six months ago. It was a hard loss for us. We never understood what happened. She was strong, so we were surprised by how sudden she was taken from us.

Vesna: I didn’t know that her death was pretty recent. Did this affect Taylor in any way where he changed enough to commit murder?

Ms. Taylor: Well, he was much more secretive after that. I’m not sure right now. Everything lately has gotten so much attention. I don’t know where to begin.

Vesna: Anything out of routine in your household?

Ms. Taylor: His schoolwork was fine. He always muttered a lot to himself, to the other side of himself. I was surprised that he was so calm. He was so mature.

Vesna: Please, enlighten me on Taylor’s life. Was there more to why he rampaged on those twelve innocent people?

Ms. Taylor: There was one thing I noticed.

Vesna: What?

     The spotlight dims slowly as stage right exposed Ernest trying to sleep in his bed. The walls are adorned in flower wallpaper and a floating shelf full of books. Ernest was tossing and turning in his bed. Shoes were discarded on the floor and a window assembled the image of night. The moon was out and a street full of houses was posted inside it.
     The lights are colored a periwinkle blue scheme as Ms. Taylor tiptoes to Ernest’s bedroom with a beer bottle in her hand. She takes a giant gulp of the beer as she peeks at Ernest, who in return sits up, eyes widened.

Ms. Taylor: [turns to the audience] Sometimes, I checked on Ernest if he was sleeping. I noticed he had a hard time of sleeping at a regular rate after the death of Petra. When I came in, the time was about three or four. He would be asleep by then. But one night, he wasn’t. He got up immediantly and spoke to me. His hands were shaking uncontrollably.

Ernest: Hi, Auntie.

Ms. Taylor: [in a surprised whisper] Good Morning, Ernest. Why are you up so late?

Ernest: Couldn’t sleep.

Ms. Taylor: You should try to. School is tomorrow.

Ernest: Tomorrow is Saturday.

Ms. Taylor: [coughs] Do you need a glass of water?

Ernest: [Swiftly speaking at first] No, I need silence. I need to think, I need to plan, I need to keep moving, I need to go.

     Taylor gets out of bed and fishes out a clean shirt off his bed. He begins to dress in a fervent manner, taking his wallet and exiting on the stage right. He doesn’t utter a word.

Ms. Taylor: Be careful, Ernest.

     Then the stage lights turn off and Ms. Taylor leaves the bedroom. The beer bottle disappears as Vesna writes more notes.

Vesna: He just left?

Ms. Taylor: Yes, without a word. It was as if he had some bigger purpose for something I couldn’t understand.

Vesna: Did he come back?

Ms. Taylor: Yes.

Vesna: Was there anything else that happened?

Ms. Taylor: I wish I did know. I get so busy sometimes that I forget.

Vesna: Thank you, Ms. Taylor. I think that’s enough.

     Ms. Taylor gets up from her chair, shivers as she turns her back. She vomits on the floor, weak and frail. Vesna gets up from her chair and helps her get up.

Vesna: Someone call 9-11!

     The curtain closes as the sounds of an ambulance come closer to them. Only the figure of the unknown girl appears to lock the curtains together. She gives a weak smile, then the lights turn off and she exits stage right.

{Intermission}

     Curtains are raised. The stage opens. Only darkness occupies the space as the unknown girl walks in the audience space, stroking the heads of children and teenager boys. She walks on stage in a fatigued step, looking at the audience, braking the fourth wall by placing eye contact on various audience members, in a good way or not. Her outside physical proudness was pale, her skin was painted a faded earl grey as if she was decaying in front of the audience. Her bones are jagged as she dances on stage resulting to a crooked gait to her feet, gliding with an invisible partner in step with a moderato waltz.
     She invites one audience member on stage. He is taken under her spell. They go around in circles as the music’s waltz continued to go faster and faster. When the music is about to stop, the unknown girl unfastens a dagger from her back and stabs the new victim. A red rag is unleashed in her other hand as she and her victim skip away to the stage left. The lights are out.
     The stage returns as Gate’s Interview room. It is empty. There is only silence until Vesna enters the door with her last interviewer of the day. She is swallowing the last remnants of a bagel with cream cheese. Another short, thin, white, blonde haired girl follows her step. She is dressed in black attire, complete with a Rolling Stones T-shirt on her chest, black jeans, converse, and black smoky eyes. She is an enigma, playing with her black nails as she was motioned to sit on a chair. Vesna tied her hair into a bun, sitting in front of her, preparing the tape recorder.

Vesna: I’m sorry. One of my witnesses had an emergency. She was taken to the hospital and I came along with her for several hours. It was so crazy and that’s why I’m late. You’re … Vienna Drakouliuos, right? I’m Vesna Gates. I’m investigating what happened to Ernest Taylor.

     Vesna pushes the play button on the tape recorder.

Vienna: Yes.

Vesna: [Checking the summary report] You were at the shooting. You witnessed everything in front of you.

Vienna: More or less.

Vesna: State your name and your relation to Ernest Taylor.

Vienna: My name is Vienna Drakoulious and … I was a classmate of Ernest Taylor’s.

Vesna: You came here voluntarily?

Vienna: Yes, I did.

Vesna: Why?

Vienna: I just had a feeling I needed to go.

Vesna: Can you elaborate on that?

Vienna: Guilt told me to go. If I didn’t tell anyone what happened, what I’ve seen … [hesitates] I couldn’t …

Vesna: What did you see?

Vienna: [sighs heavily, cracks her neck, and sighs again] He was showing signs of increased aggression at school.

     The spotlight dims, another light shines at stage left. It is bright, illuminating white heat like the sun. Vienna rises from her chair and runs to a scene of a basketball court. Taylor is fighting with another boy, whose back is turned to the audience. They wrestle with each other.

     Vienna steps closer to the audience.

Vienna: [Stares at the audience] One day in gym, I saw Ernest get in a fierce fight with another student, someone younger than him, he was a junior named Michael. He was fighting hard, not the kidding round type but the harsh punching, bloody knuckles type of fighting as they continued in the court. Ernest didn’t stop. He kept pushing harder and harder until Michael was a mess. There was blood everywhere on his face and hands. In fact, he fainted when Ernest was shouting at him even after he fell down on the floor as result.

Ernest: [hollers hoarsely] SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU’RE PATHETIC! SHUT UP! MICHAEL, YOU ARE NOTHING, NOTHING COMPARED TO THE REAL WORLD! YOU WOULDN’T LAST ONE DAY IN A WAR THAT’S RAGING RIGHT NOW! YOU PATHETIC LOWLIFE!

Vienna: After he said those things, he just walked off.

     Ernest walks off stage. Vienna is left alone beside the court.

Vesna: So he was angry?

Vienna: No, he was angrier than the usual. He snapped that day over the stupidest thing. Then he just storms off afterwards. It wasn’t normal.

Vesna: Why would you say that?

Vienna: Because I’ve known him since the second grade. We’ve been put in classes together since elementary school. He wasn’t always that angry. He had a temper but it wasn’t that harsh, it didn’t go over until that day. I swear to God.

Vesna: It sounds like normal adolescence to me.

Vienna: It wasn’t. He also wasn’t doing well at school.

Vesna: How did you know that?

Vienna: I saw his papers. He was failing Calculus terribly. I sat behind him and saw his papers. I always had to correct his tests. It was not pretty.

Vesna: [Drops her clipboard] Why is this relevant?

Vienna: Ernest was becoming something else. I saw it all before my eyes. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. It was just …

Vesna: Do you know why he killed himself?

Vienna: No, but I have a theory. Promise not to tell his family, say it was an anonymous source. I was not part of it.

Vesna: You’re a gifted observer. You noticed things everybody else chose to ignore. You know what kind of power you have?

Vienna: Promise?

Vesna: Of course. Interviewer confidentiality.

Vienna: Well …

     The spotlight cuts off as another spotlight follows Vienna to the forefront of the stage. The interview scene disappears and only the figure of Vienna is alive on stage. She wanders around on stage, the only visible thing against the blackness.

Vienna: I followed him after the fight. I was so curious to why he just stormed off and ditched school. So I followed him.

     Ernest enters the stage. Walking in a slow pace as Vienna is behind him, following him while looking at the audience.

Vienna: He walked long and far to this Best Buy. It was six miles away from school. He entered the store and disappeared behind all these electronics. He was engulfed by them, addicted to them.

Vesna: And then?

Vienna: He was there for hours, eyes locked onto a screen.

Vesna: What was it?

Vienna: Some video game called “Artifice or Honor”. A shooter game, a war game.

Vesna: Video games?

Vienna: He was obsessed with them.
    
     Ernest pretends to shoot like he had a sniper in his arms. He pantomimes shooting actions at the direction of the balconies.

Vienna: I think that’s why he killed them. It’s never going to stop. It’s never going to end. If they keep finding them, obsess over them, it may be over because they are possessed by a virus, hosting them to do bad things. They get lost.

     Ernest walks over to Vienna and stares at her. Vienna swallows spit nervously and stares back at him.

Vienna: Ernest is not the first but not the last either. He killed people because he was so caught up in a sphere where his family was not part of the equation and nobody could pull him down to reality too. So he lived out the fantasy despite the consequences.

     Vesna comes to the spotlight, sharing it beside Vienna and Ernest, contemplating the facts by putting a hand to her chin.

Vesna: Where were you when Taylor murdered twelve people?

Vienna: I was at my locker, minding my own business.

     She pantomimes opening a locker and putting books in her bag. She was minding her own business until Ernest walked past her. Vienna saw he had a duffel bag with an assortment of rifles, revolvers, and shotguns. Vienna gasps in surprise as Ernest looks at her, indifferent and lonely, pausing to stop at her direction.

Vienna: I saw the countless ammunition. I knew what he was about to do. But instead …

Ernest: Don’t stay here. Go home … [pause] now.

Vienna: He was shaking uncontrollably when he said those words. It was like he had ADD or something because he had a hard time keeping close concentration on me when he finally walked away. So he left.

     Ernest exits. Gunshots are heard in the background. Vienna begins to run away as she hears the beginning of the massacre.

Vienna: So I ran away. I was out before the police arrived. Like a coward, I didn’t say a word.

Vesna: He was gone by then.

Vienna: Was he though? He was kind enough to warn me to leave the premises. He was so obsessed in his world to let me go.

Vesna: But he killed twelve people.

Vienna: For all we know, those twelve people became twelve enemies in his mind.

Vesna: Perhaps.

     The stage is dark again. Only the unknown girl appears on stage with Ernest, holding hands with him.

Unknown Girl: [In a sing-song voice] Violence an obsession, seduced by aggression, only to forget, pain and his oppression.

     Ernest carries a sad smile to the audience. He pulls a red sheet out and ties it between the unknown girl’s and his arm.

Death: Ernest could only pretend, for his only fantasy could he defend, but in the end … [pause] Death earns a new friend.

     The lights are shut off. The curtains close permanently as they exit together.

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RANT BITCHES

I don't understand what people's problems are in Utah. I swear they are the most touchy people on the planet. I try to be a nice person and remind people about duties, about responsibilities, and things that make their lives better. Then when I try to talk about things they just snap at you and brake you apart. I don't understand why people have to be so rude to you when you just want to help them. You look out for them and try to be a good person. I mean, I really try to be a great person, a nice person who tries to be a friend that is all. I just.... I don't understand why I try to give a little push like a warning or a hint of what is to come and people want you to go away.

I came here to a different state and the friends I have made don't get it. They just don't realize that I moved out of MY home to go to school and I have nobody but my friends. They don't get the fact that they will always live with people who have to live with you and stay with you because they are your family. I left my family and I don't have anyone. I don't have any safe place to go to because I am so far away from home. Because I don't have anyone, I have to live with a fear that I will end up all alone, not knowing what to do with myself unless I go home.

It is that fear that I act like such a caring person. Why is it so hard to understand?

why do I have to explain myself? Does anyone understand what I am doing by myself in a place where nobody will watch my back?

That is what I fear for everyday. I fear that for my life. I have to be haunted because I know that my friends could leave again. They can leave whenever the fuck they want and never come back. The even more scary thing is that I know that has happened more times than I can count on my fingers. The worst thing of all is that I fear they will never come back because I don't think I would come back myself.

Why

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Labor Day weekend Excursion

Dear Internet,
Today, I came over to my friend's house and decided to go on a creative project for ourselves. We decided to make a "hot guy" board, also what I nicknamed it as a What-is-your-type-of-Guy?-Analysis, for ourselves because we wanted to make something great. I volunteered to purchase some cork boards and some essential materials to make a collage of guys we like to look at.

For this project, we needed a certain few things.

A Cork Board 
pins
Scissors
Magazines
tough paper
tape
glue sticks
some string
some more creativity

This project began when we cut up magazine pages from such esteemed companies such as GQ and Details. These men's magazines served us well as we cut up a lot of pages, arranged them on a taped up sheet of paper that will be pinned onto the board. When we arranged our pictures to what we wanted them to look like, we started pasting them with glue sticks, slowly, from the background to the front. The finished product looked like from the above image.

But for labor day, my friend and I made these boards and I like to think that these pictures show how disorganized in my hormones have transformed. My type of guy is not typical. Or at least I have no idea on what I am searching for. At least at what I like. I still think that it represents what I am thinking about in my head about what I want. But I know that my taste is full of variety and this board proves that. If you stare at it, you will see that I like a load of things, people from all over the place, well known or not.

But I am proud of it. I took my time and made a beautiful board for labor day.

Natalie

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The Perfect Birthday

Have you ever had one of those scenarios where you imagine the perfect birthday? Visualize the details and imagine moment to moment what would happen to you when you were the star of the show. Birthdays gave you this excuse where you could be the center of attention and gave you permission to do whatever you want because it was this day that made you special. It is similar to like walking down the aisle for a wedding and being the bride, being noticed with the way you feel and perceive this huge amount of confidence.

I always imagined it as a day where I could have an enormous dinner with a great hall table from Harry Potter. I would be at the end, wearing a ridiculous hat, and say all the right things that makes everyone who was invited laugh. But I imagine little things that would happen where I would have an hour in class where somebody would barge in, scream surprise, and give me a huge persistent amount of helium-filled balloons to me. I would be the one embarrassed and run to get those balloons because it was one moment I always wanted. A ton of people used to get that during elementary and high school. I always remembered them getting them during a bad moment in class. I was always annoyed by their disruption but now that I think about it I was jealous. I was jealous because inside me I thought, why didn't anyone do that for me? Why didn't I get that too? Doesn't anyone love me enough to take the time to go to a store and give me balloons like them?

That is the one flaw I always have. I always compare myself to another person. What I should care about is the fact that everyone is different. What I choose to do and how I react to it is what I can do. I can't force people to do something even if I want it with all my heart. I can never push something and make it happen. I wish I could sometimes.

But I always wanted that for my birthday. Have someone come to me out of nowhere and shower me with balloons to show they cared for me. That is the perfect surprise for a birthday. The reason why I am talking about this is the fact that I recall last year's birthday a total wreck. It was a disaster because I was all alone in a dorm and had nobody there when I opened gifts for myself. I about cried because all of my friends went on a trip and I was alone. I hope to improve this by having people around and hope they care enough.

The Perfect Birthday would have people remembering. If they could do that, I would such a happy camper. I really just want that. I could think of other things but I want people to care though I act like I don't care at all.

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No Internet

Dear Internet,
I have been unbelievably busy. I have moved out of the dormitories from the University and now live in a small apartment where I still do not have my own mattress to call my own. But on top of moving out, moving things from place to place, I had to go to band camp for marching band. I am part of this huge organization that makes me dedicate a large chunk of time where I am in the sun, soaking rays for at least six hours a day, burning a lot in the process. I also had so much fun. I have to remember that taking the time to be outside for a large amount of time with people who enjoy the same thing as me. That is incredibly important because it may never happen again. I have to integrate these experiences with me as long as I can.

Because I have no internet right now, I have not had the time to record everything that has happened to me. First, I went to move fifteen minutes away from my school and I commute to classes everyday. I also have to use a lot of resources at school. I am insanely busy because of marching band and keeping up with everybody in my life. It's funny, now that I think of it, I actually have a life now. All of the goals I have been dedicating my time seem so insignificant because I have control of it and now I want it to keep moving forward.

Anyways, I have no internet so I am having a hard time to update this blog. It will be more difficult to update with school but I am thinking ahead that because I am taking on school and a job. I just have to keep believing I still have the power to keep it together. I have to.

But I will have internet soon so I will not have to go to a Barnes & Nobles every time I need internet to see what is happening on the outside world. I do believe things will get easier once I have access in my apartment with my awesome roommate.

I just want to reflect that things have changed so much after moving and this summer has improved everything around me. My college experience has grown exponentially. I have become better at talking to new people because I am absurdly shy around everyone. I am proud to say I am as I am. I cannot believe things have just been spinning around me, going faster and faster as I try to scourge a few hours of sleep to look forward to the next day.

I am very happy. I need to be able to see that I am getting to the one small goal I whisper to myself.

I am happy.

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